Dirty Blue Widgets

“Dirty blue widgets,” he said calmly

She didn’t know what to make of that. Tasha expected him to be angry, upset, sad, or anything else that she thought would be normal. She realized then that she didn’t really know what normal was at all. She never had to do this to anyone before.

Colin went into the kitchen. It was a moment before she followed him.

Tasha found him there, pouring scotch into a glass.

“What did you say?” she asked.

“I said, dirty blue widgets. They’re the things that go wrong at the end of the day. The ones that you never saw coming in a million years. The filthy parts of life that grind you to a halt, and stop you cold.”

Colin drank down half the glass with that. It tasted good to him, mostly because he had been dry for so long.

“I haven’t seen you drink in a while.”

“I never have to when I’m with you.” He smiled, big and roguish. It was one of the things that made her fall for him. “I love you.”

She started to cry. “Did you hear what I said?”

“Of course I did.”

“So don’t do that. Don’t tell me you love me. I don’t deserve to be loved.”

“Everyone deserves to be loved.” It hadn’t sunk in for him yet. He felt numb more than anything else.

“Even if they’re cruel?”

Colin finished his drink. He had meant to pour himself another. He halfway meant to finish that bottle tonight. But a part of him wanted to be there for this. Wanted to remember. He knew that for the rest of his life he wouldn’t want to remember anything else. He would want to be drunken and dizzy and forget all the pain. But just one more time, for the last time, he wanted to remember her.

Tasha started to cry more forcefully. She always turned away when she cried, but this time looked right at him instead. He reached out and touched her arm, running his hand up and down it.

“Don’t cry. Don’t you know? There’s no crying over dirty blue widgets. You just deal with them. That’s all.”

He pulled her close to him. He held her tightly. She always asked him to squeeze. Tasha would realize later that it made things worse that he was so kind to her.

“We can work this out.”

She pushed him away. “No, I don’t want to work it out.”

“But I love you so much.”

Tasha turned her back on him. She went back into the living room as if she was trying to get away from the conversation. The sun had almost set beyond the windows of their small apartment. It was why they settled down there. Because they saw it for the first time at dusk and she loved the way the world looked from right there, just like a painting. The tops of trees outside poked up at the bottom of their view. Colored leaves had halfway been stripped by the Fall. Wind moved them delicately, fluttering, dancing. The Hudson River glinted with the last bits of light in the distance. Nothing bad could ever happen there.

“Tasha?”

“Don’t say it.”

“Say what?”

“Don’t tell me you love me again, and don’t tell me any more about dirty blue widgets. Don’t say any of it.”

“What do you want me to say?” He looked so sad.

“Anything else. Anything that you want. I don’t mind. Really. I deserve anything you say to me.”

“But I don’t want to end things that way.”

She looked confused for a second, and he didn’t know why.

“So, you want to end it?” she asked.

“What the hell are you talking about!” He didn’t realize he was yelling until after it came out. It was maybe the second time that he had raised his voice to her in six years. They hardly ever fought.

“Ending it, you said you wanted to end it.”

Colin put his hand to his chin. He pulled on whiskers that weren’t there. It was a nervous habit that he got used to. When they just started dating, he always sported a goatee. He was clean shaven now.

“That’s what you said!” He blurted out suddenly. “That’s what started this entire thing.”

“It is not. I said that I needed some time apart. To get my head straight.”

“You said more than that.”

She looked at the floor. “He’s…” Tasha searched for a way to say it. For a kind way. There wasn’t one. “He’s different than you are, you know.”

“Is he better?”

There were uncomfortable moments there. The whole night was an uncomfortable moment. It was too quiet.

“I don’t know,” she finally said.

“You have to know. You’re leaving me for him.”

“We just need some time apart.”

“You need some time apart. I was happy.”

“I just do different things when I’m with him. Different than we do together. It’s not any better. Just different.”

“And therein lies the dirty blue widgets.”

“Would you stop saying that already!” she yelled. “Dirty blue widgets! Dirty blue widgets! Dirty blue widgets! Over and over again while our lives are falling apart.”

“I could say dirty bitch instead.”

“That’s right! Say that to me! Tell me everything you have to tell me! That I’m a horrible person. That I’m selfish. That I’ve hurt you.”

“Why do you want me to tell you those things?”

“Because maybe it’s the truth. Because I want you to say everything you need to say to me so that maybe you won’t hate me later. So that you won’t leave me for good. I want to know you. To talk to you still. You’re my best friend.”

Colin laughed at that.

“Great,” she said sarcastically. “You’re laughing at me now?”

“You still want to be friends?” He couldn’t believe it.

Tasha nodded her head just slightly.

“You want me to stick around and watch you date someone else?”

“I wouldn’t do that to you. You would never have to watch anything. I would never talk about him or let you meet him.”

“You want me to support you while you break my heart?”

Tasha lost control as soon as he said it. Break his heart. Her knees weren’t there suddenly. She dropped to the floor. She cried uncontrollably. What seemed like such a long time ago to her, he told her how he’d been hurt. She promised that she would never do it to him. That she would love him forever. And it was true for a little while. In that moment, and in many to follow it, she wanted nothing more.

Colin went to her. He sat by her on the floor, and held her.He stroked her hair.

“Shhh… Don’t cry like that. You’ll make yourself sick.”

If he was honest, he would admit that he wanted to cry too. That seeing her like that made him hurt because she hurt. Even then. But men don’t cry over the dirty blue widgets that interrupt happy lives. Men deal with it with a stiff upper lip, and go on. That’s what his father told him. He always admired his father. But just the same, he knew that later on, when he wasn’t numb anymore, when everything hit him like a steam train to the chest, he would let the old man down. He would go off by himself, into a dark place, curl up and cry as silently as he could.

“I can’t even imagine never speaking to you again,” she said.

“Then don’t do this,” he pleaded.

“I have to.”

“Why? Didn’t I make you as happy as you made me?”

“You make me very happy. Every day.”

“Then why? Doesn’t six years mean anything to you?”

“It means the world.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m not trying to confuse you.”

He looked into her eyes, slack jawed and blank. He had to say it. He never imagined that he was the type to. It never did anyone any good, and he knew it. It was best to come away with a bit of dignity. But that didn’t matter then. He was crushed underneath the stifling, screaming mass of dirty blue widgets that had crashed upon him and destroyed his life. And what took so long to build was erased in seconds, just with a few words.

“Please don’t go.” It was a whisper on his lips.

“I have to know,” was all she replied.

There was a time in his life when Colin would have thought that the only life worth living was one where you experienced everything, and knew for yourself. As he grew older he realized that, that wasn’t true. That what you don’t know changes you as much as what you do. And apples of knowledge are frequently poisonous. He knew how great their relationship was. And that neither of them would ever find anything like it again. But he was a little older than she was too. He’d seen more of life. More of its dirty blue widgets.

“Tell me you love me,” she said.

“I thought you didn’t want to hear that.”

“Just tell me once more. Once more to last me for the rest of our lives.”

He did. And he meant it as much then as the first time he said it, many years before.

They stayed on the floor until she stopped crying.

He fixed her something to eat. With all the excitement, they hadn’t had dinner. Colin wasn’t hungry but she made him have some.

Afterwards, they sat on the couch in the living room. It had extra cushioning that you sank into, and was facing the windows out. It was dark by then. They left the television off that night. They just sat there, curled up together. They looked out at the stars, and the distant, dark water. They held each other as they talked about life, about the future, just like they had so many times before. About how nice it would be when he sold his first book. Then he could quit his job, and they could spend more time together.

“What about my job?” she would always tease him. “I’m a career gal, you know. I can’t leave all that behind.”

“Not even for me?” He always gave her a cute voice when he said it. The one that was just for her, that no-one else heard ever.

Then she’d look at him, touching his face, turning it from one side to the other as if she was examining him. She would smile. “Well, maybe for you. But only because you’re so pretty.”

He kissed her and she kissed him back, firmly on the lips, as passionately as they ever had.

They would talk about children and being old together. What it would be like to be 85, and sitting on a porch somewhere. How he would probably still be chasing her around the kitchen table because he was so attracted to her.

Tasha fell asleep in his arms there. They were talking and then she wasn’t anymore. He let her drift down until her head was on his lap. The conversation must have worn her out, he thought.

Colin sat there with her for hours. He held her. He watched her sleep. She was so peaceful when she slept. He listened to her as she began to snore gently. He thought he could have spent his whole life just doing that, being in that moment with her. It made him happy.

Colin gently slipped out from under her. He put a pillow underneath her head. Tasha moaned and curled herself up. She slept deeply and he had gotten good at not waking her over the years. He got a blanket from the hall closet, flared it out, then covered her. He didn’t want her to be cold. It looked like she smiled to him. He tucked the blanket under her chin, then bent down and lightly kissed her forehead.

He took his coat off the hook on the wall by the door. The hours before sun-up were lonely and cold. He left his keys there on the table in the foyer. Colin turned to look at her one more time. He thought it might be a mistake to do it, but he had to turn back. She was his forever girl.

And then he walked out the door.

He hated those dirty blue widgets as much as anyone could hate. He knew that he’d love her for the rest of his life.